Not having control was always the worst thing

Feeling the bed sink and my stomach with it,  an arm would wrap around me as candy Schnapps breath hushed

My inner ear would always flutter. My guess was it had to be a blood pressure spike but I always pictured a butterfly trapped in a Mason jar that was struggling to get out. Tormented by the sound of it’s wings echoing in the prison

Eventually, it would just go mad and accept how things were

There was never air conditioning in my house. The summer nights were horrible to try to sleep. Especially under the three blankets I hid under. Praying to God that he would fall asleep and leave me alone

Whitey never slept

In the middle of the night he would come. I guess I looked like easy prey

Still pretending to sleep, I could feel the layers disappearing

Some would hope that they were dreaming. I never did. I hoped that I wasn’t dreaming

Those were all mine

I could go there later after he was done skinning me to skin

I would always look at the painting my father made for me. A little tiger crawling out of a black forest. It’s eyes glowed in the dark. He said he meant it as a nightlight and didn’t realize it might scare me. My mother pointed that out. It was just a nightlight for me though

I would think when I could

Think about the two weeks in the summer I would get to go stay with him in Michigan. Lie to myself and say I was going to be strong and tell him what Whitey was doing to me

I am kind of glad I never did

He didn’t have to die knowing

I think he just believed that I was angry. Angry at him or angry at both my parents for not staying together

I never told anyone any of this. I think I was afraid Whitey would hurt my mom if I told my father and I never came back

How crazy is that?

I was protecting her

The same woman who watched me leave with him on a cold winter day when he insisted I go to the junkyard with him instead of going to school

Knowing what he was going to do but giving me the dirty look instead

Bent me over the driver’s seat of some wreck as I ripped up more springs in the seat. Watched the car being smashed as I reached to my chest to feel the necklace my boyfriend had given me. It was gone and I wasn’t allowed to go find it

Finding my father’s painting sticking out of the trash can outside of the back door when I got home

I broke as he playfully slapped my ass when we walked in on my mother cooking dinner

“Do you want to fuck?” I asked him

His jaw dropped and my mother froze at the sink. Maybe the water she was washing dishes in froze over as well

I asked again louder as I took off my shirt and dropped it behind me and walked off to my room

I don’t let Hector get up in the middle of the night. It makes waves in the bed

Makes me crazy 1





Author: The Unamused Muse

You know me better than I do.

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