Change

The summer night time change tries to play it’s tricks and give the illusion that there is more time than there really is. It should be dark but 9:00 PM casts no more mystery shade to the sky than an umbrella would in mid day

I am in love with dusk. Just like my mother was when I was a child. When the world is quiet my mind calms with it and I feel safe again. Hector and I smoke cigarettes on the front porch and wait. I hate to wait and summer just makes me wait longer than I want to. Max wanders a little but never passed the edge of the yard.  Not after the last time he ran off. Hector growls and Max stops in his tracks

My laugh at his silliness is delayed and I am almost embarrassed by it. A few seconds after my laugh should have ended it starts. I was watching a bat fly in and out of the camouflage of the trees. I might have been laughing more at the silliness of the bat. Or maybe it was the fleeting sense that I am not really here. Sometimes I feel that I am flying up there too. Just never free to go anywhere special. More like a kite I guess. One that is anchored by a heavy chain. Maybe that’s just silly

Hector follows me back up the stairs and Max is way ahead of us. My dog knows what time it is. It is time to sleep. I don’t care that the clock reads 9:00. I just want to be through with the day. Hector doesn’t seem to mind although he must think I am the oldest 21 year old in the world. I always forget to ask him what he thinks.

He laughs at the sight of my sweatpants falling down as I carry my cigarettes in one hand and my drink in the other and am helpless to do anything about it. I won’t give up my sweatpants even though they betray me like this. I have had them forever now. The string is broke and the elastic has been gone longer than what it was ever there. I joke that they have a mind of their own. Usually I joke. Tonight I am just aggravated at my situation. Hector reads me well and stops laughing long enough to reach down where I have bent my knees out to catch them and pull them back up for me

Max doesn’t sleep by me anymore. He climbs up on Hector’s chest while his daddy does God knows what on his phone while I force my eyes to stay shut. I’m not tired. I just want to dream. I just want to be free. I don’t know what I want

I pray for colors. Twisted strands of florescent beams to carry me away to magical places that have no borders. All I get is darkness. The dark I crave as I sit outside waiting for the day to die haunts me here. Infinity ends in a blink and my eyes snap open to the time when I should be getting up for work. Early morning darkness that used to scare me to death is now as calm as a breath as I go down the stairs and back outside

There is no one outside. Not as far as my eyes can believe. No one in my backyard anyways. Not even my dog who never even stirred as I climbed out of bed. Back into my own head

My sweatpants fall again and this time I just let them. I don’t care anymore. It’s just me here. Staring at the quarter of a moon

“There is an angel” said the shadow on the couch

He was just there one day

“Meredith, this is Whitey” my mother smiled from the kitchen as I walked in from school “Whitey, this is my daughter Meredith

Suddenly I remembered my wondering who the strange car belonged to that was parked in our driveway

My mind wants to remember my mother in the kitchen in a fancy dress with an apron around her waist and baking cookies. I know my memory is trying to play tricks on me. It’s more likely that she was mixing a drink

I asked her for money to go to a school dance that was already starting when I got home. Normally I would beat around the bush but I didn’t have much time. It was so important to me that I went. Tim had finally asked me. I had the biggest crush on him and that would have taken up every thought I had if not for my readiness to be mad at my mother for being broke. We were always broke right after the divorce

“You know I don’t have any money” my answer came

It was just some stupid little fund raiser after school dance but it was the end of the world

“Here, how much do you need?” Whitey asked as he lifted himself halfway to get his wallet out

“You don’t have to do that” my mother stopped him

“I want to” Whitey flipped out a stack of money and prepared to hand over whatever I needed

My mother sighed her response

“It’s five dollars” I answered

“Here” he said as he held out a ten “I don’t have any change”

“Thank you so much!” I grinned from ear to ear “I’ll bring you back change. You’ll still be here, right?”

I wanted him to still be there

“Yeah, I’ll still be here” he laughed as he sat back down

I don’t know why I hugged him. I didn’t even know him. I was just so happy. His hand was huge. It rested across the strap of my bra and covered my back from side to side as he gave a patronizing little tap. I remember feeling bad. Like maybe he thought I was using him to get what I wanted. I would have liked him anyways. I am really not like that. He had this strange look on his face like he felt that was all he was good for

I was already on the city bus by the time I had got this far. These lapses in time don’t worry me too much. Maybe I am still sleeping and this is what I should have been dreaming

God I must have looked like a bum. My hair was brushed with my pillow and my mouth was only washed with a cup of coffee that I barely touched. It just sat there and got old and cold as the cream oil settled on top. My left hand gripped my wallet and my right hand held my sweatpants tight as I boarded. The driver didn’t pay much attention to me. I had been nervous that I should have something on my feet

It took forever for Greg to answer his door. I knocked as hard as I could without drawing too much attention to myself in the nice neighborhood that he lives in

“What are you doing here?” he asked

My heart sank as I realized that someone else may be there with him

“I wanted to see you” I answered and stepped up on the metal track on the bottom of his door frame

I didn’t. I just knew he could give me what I wanted. He had the strangest look on his face. Like this was all he was good for

We stumbled together over the pile of shoes by his front door as he danced me to the corner and kissed me. My laugh was right on time. I was here and in the moment

For a change

10

 

 

Author: The Unamused Muse

You know me better than I do.

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